So, I watched 'Julie and Julia' last night and during this movie, Julie (the main character) had started a blog to document her way through Julia's cookbook. It made me realize that I have started this blog really for nothing. There is not much to this blog but my thought and emotions which has also made me realize that I probably wont get alot (if any) readers. I will give this blog one month. If no one has read this blog by then, then i will give it up! but for now. its going to remian my little online diary. A sanctuary for my thoughts.

Well I said yesterday that I was going to introduce myself so I will... sortof. My name is off limits, as is the current town that I live in. That information is too personal and since I will be sharing many aspects of my life with you I must remain smart about it and be somewhat anonymous. This is what I will share however. I love in British Columbia Canada. I am a canadian and very proud of it. I am 21 years old. which I know to anyone who is over the age of 21 years old thinks that I know absolutely nothing about life, which I will not argue, even though I think I know a few things, I also know that in many ways I am very naive. I live in a small town. Very small, yet very beautiful. I have a cat. He is my best friend and I say this because he is the only living being that I allow to get close to me and hasnt hurt me. People really suck in that way. Im sure as everyone can relate, as soon as you open your doors and let someone in and get really close you allow yourself to get hurt. I am a girl if you couldn't tell already. and I do alot of things that are very controversal or Illegal. I drink, I experament with drugs, I steal, I cheat, I rarely finish things. I have eating disorders, I am harmful to myself and through thast I believe I am harmful to others. I know I need to reach out for proffessional help very soon but honestly, I dont plan on doing it until I am financially stable enough to take an entire month or so off of work to help fix myself. I am very self aware however, if i believe that im causing too much harm to myself to a point of no return I will reach out and seek help before it is too late (I think)

I grew up probably the same as most people did. We were very poor growing up. both my parents are drug addicts in their own way, My mother, with oxycontin pills and my father with his habitual weed smoking. I as an adult can now see why they want to be like that, why escaping from this world is easier than facing it dead on. I myself have seen some of these tendancies in me.

well thats enough about me today. Today as shallow as it sounds, have started my 2 week get model perfect routine and hopefully I can stick to it for the full 2 weeks. This includes, eating very healthy and very few calories, going to the gym every day that I possibly can, taking laxatives, getting a tan, and at the end of the 2 weeks, I will wax, pluck, buff, polish, smooth, wash, condition, gets loads of sleep and rest and then study myself in the mirror and hopefully enjoy what I see back. Today I have already ate breakfast which consisted of one slice of dry multi grain toast, and some fresh pineapple. I hope I succeed with this challenge

Here is my blog from me to you. I hope someone finds it interesting or helpful, entertaining in the least. I am writing this blog to help myself really, there are so many thoughts running throughout my brain or anyones brain, that I believe if I say them outloud I might be able to discover some type of order or consistancy, some type of help from within. Everyone suffers in their own way and internal conflict with oneself is a huge weight living in the shoulders. I am here to try to lighten this weight on my shoulders and try to love life, love living, love myself. Too many times I have seen myself and others love someone else before they love themselves and all it does it end up in despair and pain. I have personally gotten hurt from this many times before so hopefully, with this blog, anyone who stumbles apon it will relate and leave helpfull comments or advice. Please dont leave any shallow words and please dont judge me because I am anything but perfect. I am very flawed and I do many things that 'society' and myself have deemed inapropriate and unforgivable but yet I still have not changed these 'habits' if you will yet becasue as corny as this sounds, I dont think I have the inner strength to completley change something about myself without filling the void with something else.

I view myself and others as a pie chart, everyone has things about themselves that they are not proud of, but if you were to take out that peice of pie that is full of the bad things that you do, then all you have left there is an empty void. I dont believe you can change yourself as a whole if a peice of your pie has been taken away, replaced with nothing but panic and confusion. Routine is something that most people rely on for comfort and once someone is taken out of their personal comfort zones, anxiety sets in, which I believe is up there with the top terrible feelings a human can experience, next to heartbreak, great loss, and true anger. True anger is the type of anger that fills your whole body all the way to your fingernails with pure hatred that you lose sense of yourself, lose control of your actions, of who you are and your initial feelings to begin with. True anger is a tricky emotion and doesnt surface very often in most people, and I do feel very sorry for the people that deal with that amount of hate on a daily basis because being riddled with a terrifying emotion such as that can be disabilitaing in the least.

Please excuse my spelling, punctuation and grammer errors, I feel that since highschool english period had ended, my basic english skills have diminished rapidly. I hope I find peace with in my self with this blog, I am here to document any progress or "aha!" moments on here and share them with you, hoping you can relate. I need to help myself and hopefully in the process, help others, so go ahead, read, enjoy, agree or disagree but please keep any hate filled notions to yourself becuase in this quest as I will call it, I absolutely must cut out all poisenous people in order to grow. I will introduce myself in time, but for now This is the "PILOT" of my blog, to give you an idea of what it is about. Hopefully you enjoy.